Government bid to privatise fire and rescue services revealed

[colin todd]

Wait though , did you say 24 hour Talisker bars???

[Midland Retty]

I did 

[Golden]

Be careful of the punctuation - this is the Banter Bar 'Limited Edition' Talisker and its made in 24 hours from start to finish using one of matron's special recipes.

[Mike Buckley]

Colin,

I am sorry but you are just not suitably qualilified for this job.
1) You didn't go to school at Eton (or maybe Harrow) and you did not go to either Cambridge or Oxford with Dave and pals.
2) You do not live in Chipping Norton and throw parties for Beccy and Dave etc.
3) Your skill at running a company,now Colin unless you have run a really big company and have succeeded in tipping the world into a major economic recession or failed totally to fulfil a major contract such as supplying security for the Olympic Games, you just obviously do not have the right stuff. At least you could have claimed expenses for cleaning the moat and providing 5 star houses for the ducks in your neice's (hem hem)house which is 300 miles away from your place of work.
4)Finally your previous experience, come, come they want a fresh view on the fire brigade and if you have any experience of fire service operations greater than watching Fireman Sam or Camberwick Green you are obviously biased.

You will of course be able to appeal against any decision and your appeal should be accompanied by suitable documentation in large denomination used notes to be delivered to an address in black plastic bags.

Sorry Colin you just haven't got it

[colin todd]

Ok Retters, you have persuaded me. LFB is what we buy. Is there one of them there 24 hour Talisker bars within easy striking distance of Union Street? Do we have to TUPE anyone from the existing (or do I mean exiting) senior management?  These are details we need to know before we make an offer (but not necessarily in that order).  Nevertheless, put the gaffe at Bordersley Green on the market-you know the one you always say I can visit but always welsh on the offer-in anticipation in a future move to Peckham Rye.

Michael:  Dave and his cronies, will be fascinated by Retters and his funny west mids accent. They wont know what he is saying and will just nod when he says " Dow yow wanna zell me a foyer brigggoide".

[Midland Retty]

How very dare you - I don't speak that posh Col!

Anyway sorry for delay in replying - I was busy selling my gaff. I'm renting a caravan next to the Cadbury's factory in Bournville for now.

In answer to your questions...Yes and yes (although I have a contact in Sarrttthhh Landannn called "Knuckles" - he is very effective at dealing with "employee relationship resolution" issues )

Now then in preparation of purchasing LFB I'm busy learning cockney and I've read "Janet and John Learn How to double de-clutch a fire engine" from cover to cover. I've also been watching lots of re-runs of London's Burning and Minder to get used to the lingo and culture. "Give him a slap, Terry" is apparently a term of endearment in London

[colin todd]

Park the caravan in Union Street, Retters, the HQ will soon be ours.

[nearlythere]

You pair seem to have forgotten something. There might be an odd fire or two to put out. Not unless you plan to buy up the non fire section of the Fire Brigade. Anyway the end users are bloody pests. If it wasn't for them you could both run a great UK fire service.

[Owain]

You pair seem to have forgotten something. There might be an odd fire or two to put out.

We'll contract that out and get people on JSA to do it.

[colin todd]

Almosthere:  We will be reopening fire stations left right and centre, because we are bringing back fire marks and charging a fortune for each fire we attend AND we will go to false alarms, cos we want to keep the brothers and sisters in jobs, not like some of the miseryguts in the public fire and rescue services. It worked in Kurnal's day.  When I say "we" obviously I dont mean Retters and I. Any time control calls, Retters will tell them to call back if it gets to 50 pumps and then pour me another shot of Talisker at the 24 hour Talisker bar.

[nearlythere]

Almosthere:  We will be reopening fire stations left right and centre, because we are bringing back fire marks and charging a fortune for each fire we attend AND we will go to false alarms, cos we want to keep the brothers and sisters in jobs, not like some of the miseryguts in the public fire and rescue services. It worked in Kurnal's day.  When I say "we" obviously I dont mean Retters and I. Any time control calls, Retters will tell them to call back if it gets to 50 pumps and then pour me another shot of Talisker at the 24 hour Talisker bar.

You could of course develop the Dotty and Maniac Fire & Rescue Service to include pizza ordering and delivery. Imagine getting your Hawiian with extra pineapple delivered in a shiney red lorry with a complimentary full monty in the front room.
Anyway I blame the Talisker. Why oh why do they think that steeping a lump of turf in a bucket of a Glenfiddich for 6 weeks ......................?

[jokar]

Thanks for that, I now understand the ramblings reason!

[Midland Retty]

It worked in Kurnal's day

Don't forget Sir Col that in his day horses used to pull the pump. I envisage a 21st Century alternative of remote control appliances and firefighting robots which can be controlled from one of those i-thingame tablet wotsit remote controller jobbies in the comfort of the Talisker Bar.

[colin todd]

Justaboutthere:  how dare you insult the drink that paves the streets of england with gold as a result of its tax.  It never dehydrates me like Bushmills does. I reckon Guinness is only os successful because they drink it to rehydrate themselves after the Bushmills.

Retters. fire-fighting robots? I like the cut of that jib.  It has worked in the case of fire safety officers ever since 1 october 2006.  Can we turn the top floor of Union Street into a gentlemans talisker bar.

[AnthonyB]

The private firms loom closer....

http://www.hantsfire.gov.uk/stories.htm?newsid=64369

Only a partnership but wedges & thin ends spring to mind...