Consultants required

[Kelsall]

Todd in heaven! I owe everyone an apology it does look like I high jacked this thread. I had promised to leave that to Colin and only respond to his attempts at having a dig. I have let myself down... May Todd forgive me!

I hope you have your fire risk assessors now Colin.

[colin todd]

I didnt say that there was anything wrong with your scheme.  Merely that you are singularly unsuccessful at selling it and it was not primarily your company scheme I was talking about anyway.  Anyway BAFE SP 205 appears to be the scheme of choice. There is no point in Warrington Domestic Appliances buying an obscure TV of supposedly high quality when you cant sell the TVs and no one wants to buy them anyway.  I think you should withdraw your application to WDA, as they have problems enough I assume in the current recession wihtout you adding to them.

However, thanks to you keeping the thread at the forefront of attention, we have some good looking applications.  It will all help the success of our company, which has just had a record turnover in the last financial year, exceeding the record set the previous year and the record set the year before that. When we toast the success, we will spare a thought for you, but also toast the success of BAFE SP 205 and its 19 certificated firms. Will Kurnal make the top 30?  Watch this space.

[kurnal]

Doubt it Col. Cant sing or play an instrument.

And I dont need to aspire any higher in terms of turnover -  thanks for your contribution to my ample pension.

Much as I love you,  you do sometimes sound just  like Captain Mannering.  

Dont tell him Retty.

[Kelsall]

 

I didnt say that there was anything wrong with your scheme.  Merely that you are singularly unsuccessful at selling it and it was not primarily your company scheme I was talking about anyway.  Anyway BAFE SP 205 appears to be the scheme of choice. There is no point in Warrington Domestic Appliances buying an obscure TV of supposedly high quality when you cant sell the TVs and no one wants to buy them anyway.  I think you should withdraw your application to WDA, as they have problems enough I assume in the current recession wihtout you adding to them.

However, thanks to you keeping the thread at the forefront of attention, we have some good looking applications.  It will all help the success of our company, which has just had a record turnover in the last financial year, exceeding the record set the previous year and the record set the year before that. When we toast the success, we will spare a thought for you, but also toast the success of BAFE SP 205 and its 19 certificated firms. Will Kurnal make the top 30?  Watch this space.

 

[colin todd]

I was sure you told us all, Big Al, that you were just waiting to see which scheme you would run with. We are all waiting with bated breach. Will it be NSI that has the honour, will it be SSAIB what about ECA Certification, or you could be the second person in the whole Universe to get your company sorted by the MIghty Kel, or you could be a Level 10000000 fire risk assessment co under the IFC scheme.

God, I cant stand the excitement.

[kurnal]

When the time is right Colin, when the time is right. I have undertaken to meet the FIA deadline for members and I will. 

[Tom W]

I treat you with the contempt you deserve but actually I am really good with clients. Go on Gizza job! I can be nice to nice people I can. I can do PAS 79 fire risk assessments I can. I can tick a box go on Gizza job.

I was a client of yours Kel. I wouldn't be so quick to pat yourself on the back.

[colin todd]

Oh Thomas, do tell us about it.

[Kelsall]

I treat you with the contempt you deserve but actually I am really good with clients. Go on Gizza job! I can be nice to nice people I can. I can do PAS 79 fire risk assessments I can. I can tick a box go on Gizza job.

I was a client of yours Kel. I wouldn't be so quick to pat yourself on the back.

Oh do change the record Piglet; you were treated very well during the certification process. Your complaint was without grounds and if it did have any legs, you would have taken it to UKAS as you were asked to do at the time; on several occasions. If you choose to keep bleating about something that you refused to take to the appropriate authority, then all you do is show yourself up.

Piglet "I got ‘mugged’ in the street in 2001 they took my phone and wallet, the bastards got away with it”
Kelsall “That’s awful; did you report it to the police?”
“No! I knew their name, address and postcode, I knew exactly what they took; the time, date, location, I even have records to prove it” said piglet.
“Why didn’t you report them?” Kelsall asked.
“Well, the ‘muggers’ actually asked me to, in several very formal correspondences; they begged me on one occasion to go and see the police. But the truth is I didn’t own the phone or the wallet; they belonged to someone else and the owners didn’t mind handing them over. In fact one even offered to pay me for carrying them in the first place.” bleated Piglet.
Kelsall “Oh well perhaps you may want to let it go! Tell me was there a legal warning included in the letters?”
Piglet “Oh yes absolutely they made it clear I should talk to the police or make sure I wasn’t overheard retelling my version of the story.”
See piglet nice to nice people!

[colin todd]

What I dont understand is what Piggers being mugged has to do with television sets, BAFE SP 205 (the scheme of choice for the fire risk assessment community as I like to describe it) or my need for additonal consultants as a result of all the work that we keep getting, probably because we are a BAFE SP 205 company.

Another director of our company was once mugged in Edinburgh of all places, and he, being a nice person, said to them to take the money but could he please keep his credit cards, to which, as I recall the story, they conceded. I bet muggers arent that nice in places like, say, Cheshire.

[Tom W]

That's why you're a bad salesman Kel. You only noticed one issue which I had to tell you about in the first place. In all honesty I couldn't be bothered taking my issue any further as your scheme got what it deserved.

You would have thought considering the amount of consultants I have and that I was tempted once to do your scheme that you would be sending me christmas cards and inviting me to golf.

Your tatic of constantly having a pop at one of the most well respected consultants in the UK ON A PUBLIC FORUM and replying with such hate to anything I post literally astounds me.

We have about 30 kids in telesales every single one of them a better salesman than you.

If I caught any of them acting the way you do they would be out of the door faster than you can say SP205.

[Kelsall]

  piglet I think you will find that Colin gets what he gives and no more or no less. He is incredibly knowledgeable and does some amazing things but that doesn’t excuse his vicious treatment of others, which I am sure many have witnessed.  Kelsall quite enjoys stabbing the old man with a sharp stick every now and then, although his skin is very thick; it might just tone down his narcissistic attacks in the future.  Please don’t be misguided though; there are plenty of people in the profession that hold the same opinion of Colin as kelsall does.  Rest assured piglet in a professional capacity I would never treat Colin the way he treats others, it just isn’t in my nature. Indeed Colin will confirm we have never behaved like children in the real world; we are always very polite to each other. The same way you and I are civil when we meet, the views of kelsall are only fun and frolics, don’t take them to heart.
Unfortunately piglet you are correct I am a very bad salesman; telling the truth gets you nowhere fast.  I bow to your superior sales experience and can only marvel at the way you guild the lily.
 I merely attempted to point out that you had the chance to complain and the way you grumbled and grumbled on about the injustice of it all; it seems incredibly hard to comprehend that you couldn’t be bothered to take it further! Your grievance however was absolute nonsense!
You can’t please all your clients all the time; 205 the ‘industry choice’ may be more suited to your company. I dare say that not everyone in the UK likes all the products or services you provide and you get complaints from time to time. Which I am sure you deal with professionally as we did with you and your complaint. So really you shouldn’t throw it in to the thread unless you expect a rebuttal. Granted it was harsh ……..but true!

[Tom W]

I can feel Kurnal frowning.

Colin - Any one hired yet?

[colin todd]

Not yet, Thomas.  We have a number of good applications and expressions of interest, and now its finding the time to do the interviews as both of we directors tend to be ships that pass in the night.  However, we have two interview slots this month, and hope to make progress rapidly thereafter.  Still interested in any other applications though, preferably from people who come with personal recommendations or prior knowledge of ourselves. Am I to take it that you will not be supporting Kelsall's application, which presumably is his exit strategy when his bosses find out the image he has created and the dismal lack of success of his wee scheme?  Anyhow, thanks as always for your interest and support.  Dont worry about Old Kel too much.  When I give a fig as to the views of a non technical salesman who has been in the profession 5 minutes, I will give up and go play drums in a pub.

[Mr. P]

Proper drums Colin, I hope? Not the big Air things that seem to have been banged alot lately!!!